Hi everyone! To celebrate my book Digital Kindness: Being Human in a Hyper-Connected World turning 5 next week, I’m working on an audio book version. Here’s a rough cut of Chapter 3. Also, the written e-version will be available for FREE digital download from June 28-July 2, 2024.
If you’d like to bring my Digital Kindness talk or workshops to your company, organization, or group, please contact me here! Together we can transform digital spaces into kinder places.
[TRANSCRIPT]
Kindness Connects
People use social media because they want to be seen. We post on social media networks because we want someone to pay attention. We’re looking for connection and interaction. When we don’t get a response – when no one likes or comments on our posts – we feel ignored, unimportant, or bewildered
In the last chapter we talked about ways to truly see people via social media. But digital media gives us unprecedented ability to interact with people too. Digital kindness acknowledges the existence of others in a positive and productive way. Kindness in digital spaces means letting people know we see them.
Digital kindness connects.
And it’s incredibly easy to do.
Say hello.
Ask friendly questions.
Rejoice with those who are celebrating.
Mourn with those who are grieving.
Show concern and care for anyone who is lonely, hurting, or afraid.
It’s that simple. A few words of acknowledgment in digital spaces mean a lot.
Taylor Swift is excellent at using social media to connect with fans in positive and meaningful ways. She is known for visiting Instagram accounts and leaving comments on photos. She says positive, encouraging, supportive, and specific things about the photo or the person. Imagine being an awkward, marginalized fourteen- or fifteen-year-old who finds a comment from TAYLOR SWIFT on your Instagram post. Think about what it would feel like to know that one of the most famous, popular, and successful women in the world thought enough about you to leave an edifying, encouraging, personal message on your account. Think about what it would mean to every kid at your school who saw that comment.
It makes a huge difference! Who cares what bullies and mean kids say or think if TAYLOR SWIFT finds you valuable and important?
We’re not all Taylor Swift, but taking the time to encourage and support someone definitely makes a difference. It makes the slings and arrows of daily life sting a little less. It makes it easier to laugh off negative criticism or ugly comments. It lifts moods. It makes a difference in how a person feels about themselves. It makes a difference in how a person interacts with others.
Choosing to connect with people in digital spaces lets people know they are worthy of acknowledgment … worthy of someone’s time … worthy of someone’s attention. It lets people know they matter.
Digital kindness is more than clicking the “like” button. Kindness speaks. It says, “I see you. I hear your story. I hear what you are saying. You are not alone.”
When someone expresses sadness, loneliness, worthlessness, hopelessness, or even anger in digital spaces, they are often telling the world – in one way or another – that they don’t feel seen, heard, or valued. It takes so little of our time and energy to say …
I am sorry you are having a bad day.
I am sorry you have lost someone you love.
I am sorry your work situation is difficult.
I am sorry people are treating you badly.
I’m sorry you are scared and confused.
I am sorry you are feeling alone.
You are not alone.
Your feelings matter. Your experiences matter. Your pain matters.
YOU MATTER.
One day on Facebook, I saw a young man I had worked with making some comments that worried me. He sounded depressed and hopeless … potentially even suicidal. The comments could have been run-of-the-mill grousing, but how many times have we heard about someone doing something drastic and found countless clues after the fact in their social media activity?
I never want to be the person who saw the desperation and frustration and didn’t even offer a kind word.
His comments were worrisome enough to me that I popped onto private messenger and said, “Are you OK?” Almost immediately, he responded with a flood of words about what was going on in his life. He was truly feeling lost, sad, and alone. He felt like there was no one in his regular circle of friends he could talk to about what he was experiencing. When none of his friends responded to his vague Facebook posts, he felt even more alone. He wanted someone to talk to him. He wanted someone to check in and see how he was doing. But he didn’t know how to start a direct conversation about a topic that was incredibly difficult for him to process and discuss.
At the first sign of kindness, he poured out his story. He was so relieved to have someone listen to him. He was relieved to know that someone cared. It’s not that his friends didn’t care, he simply didn’t have the words to express what he needed from them – and they weren’t picking up on the signals he was sending.
It happens all the time.
A lot of us aren’t very good at saying, “I need someone to listen to me. I need someone to show me they care.” (I’m terrible at it. The last thing I ever want to do is appear needy or anything less than completely self-sufficient.) So we go about getting attention through a variety of ineffective means.
On digital channels people talk because they want somebody to talk back to them. Period. No one is sending questions and statements out into cyberspace in the hopes they get completely ignored. People say things because they want someone to respond.
Digital kindness responds.
It breaks my heart every time I see a sad statement — a statement of loss or pain or confusion or frustration — and there’s no response from anyone. I always wonder, why hasn’t anyone responded? All it takes is a kind word. An acknowledgement of the person’s existence, experience, and feelings. A positive, uplifting, encouraging sentiment. A handful of words. An emoji, gif, or meme. Anything that says, I see you and you matter can make a world of difference.
There are so many ways we can do this!
Several years ago, a young woman used Twitter to process her feelings about her unplanned pregnancy. That’s a situation with the potential to elicit vastly different reactions from people – both positive and negative. Thankfully, I didn't see any negativity. (It could have been there, but it didn’t cross my feed.) I did see two of my friends rally around this young woman … assuring her she was being heard and that people were there for her. All they said was, “We know this is tough. We’re here for you if you need to talk.” There was no judgement. No overbearing advice. Just connection and kindness.
This young woman decided to go through with the pregnancy, and the digital connection forged as she was processing her options turned into real life relationships. These Twitter pals went from sharing kind words and a listening ear to providing her with cribs and car seats and baby clothes and play dates.
I see you. I’m here for you. I care about you. You matter.
It’s so powerful. The digital world gives us a space where anyone can voice their concerns, their fears, their loss and anyone can say I see you and you matter. The effort it takes is minimal, but the impact of letting people know you see them and think them worthy of your time and attention is huge. The exchanges may be small, brief, and simple, but they mean the world to somebody who thinks they are alone.
Flying by myself to Arkansas for my grandma's funeral, I tweeted about where I was going and why. I received so many kind and uplifting responses from people I barely know. Comments about the specialness of grandparents and how hard it is lose them. People sending me condolences. People wishing me comfort, joy, and peace. The digital chorus of kind voices and thoughts and prayers were my companions on a difficult journey. The statements were small and brief, but they meant that my grief was seen and heard. That there were people who understood. There were people who cared enough about me to take a few moments out of their day to acknowledge my loss. It made me feel like I mattered.
In contrast, I never publicly posted about what I was experiencing as I was going through a divorce. While I know I have several friends – and am undoubtedly connected to countless strangers – who could and would provide emotional support throughout that process, I kept my feelings and experiences to myself. And I felt desperately, miserably, hopelessly alone most of the time. For me, not talking on social media about something I was going through made me feel isolated and inauthentic.
Everyone will approach digital sharing in different ways. No one should ever feel compelled to share something they aren’t comfortable talking about publicly – no matter how much it may help someone else. But when someone opens up in social media spaces, digital kindness takes the time to connect. It goes beyond clicking a “like” button and proactively considers ways we can make somebody’s day brighter. It takes very little time and effort on our part, but it has a tremendous impact for the individual … and it ripples out into the world.
Connection creates positivity. It creates happiness. It creates community. And we cannot dismiss the fact that it very well may save lives.
When somebody is at the point where they no longer feel seen — where they don't feel like they add value to the world — even one small voice saying you matter can make the difference.
“I felt like I couldn’t fix it,” a 13-year-old victim of sexting told the Washington Post. “Like I was alone and nothing was ever going to be better.”
Just a few kind words from anyone who has survived the horrors of junior high could make a difference. Reminders that life does go on after even the most embarrassing adolescent experience. Encouragement that this girl is not defined by a handful of photos. Affirmations of worth and value. It’s not surprising the girl found refuge in the Minecraft community – a digital space where bullying, name-calling, and swearing are not allowed.
Start thinking about the ways you can connect with people in digital spaces. How can you add value to someone’s life? What needs can you fill? How can you brighten someone’s day and bring a smile to their face?
It’s okay to start small. Start by making the effort to be kind to one person in one digital space every day. A kind word, a friendly emoji, an Instagram smile can brighten someone’s day. Soon you’ll find yourself being kind to two, five, 20 people a day.
Any time of day or night, someone is out there in cyberspace. Someone is listening. Be the someone who connects. Be the someone who lets people know you see them, you’re there, you’re listening, and you care.
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