Hi Everyone! It’s International Self-Care Day, so what better day to share Chapter 7 of Digital Kindness? It’s titled: Being Kind to Yourself in Digital Spaces.
Exciting news! The full audio version of Digital Kindness is finally available! I have 3 free promo codes to give out, so if you’d like your own copy, click the “comment” button and type “AUDIO” and I’ll get a code to you.
Now onto the transcript for those of you who prefer visual over audio …
[TRANSCRIPT]
When we consciously practice being more kind to others, we may find ourselves the center of many connections – a hub for kind interactions in the social media spaces we regularly frequent. People are drawn to those who make them feel comfortable, welcome, worthy, and safe.
Becoming more connected in an already hyper-connected world can take its toll on even the most people-centric person. When pursuing a path of conscious digital kindness, it’s important to establish the practice of being kind to yourself to in digital spaces as well.
To be kind to ourselves, we have to be wise and discerning about how the digital world operates and how it interacts with and impacts the “real” world. We must also be aware of how our digital activity impacts our emotional and physical well-being. Finally, we have to find our own unique balance of engaging kindly with others and checking in with our own needs.
Be Savvy
As we work toward more purposeful and kind interactions in digital spaces, it’s important to remember that most people we encounter aren’t thinking about their own digital activity in strategic and intentional ways. The vast majority of people have no deliberate approach to what they post, when, or why.
People share articles because the headline caught their attention. They post photos because they liked the way they looked or they wanted other people to know about an experience they were having. They write manifestos about controversial issues because they want to be heard in that exact moment. They lament when they are sad or hurt or struggling with depression, fear, anxiety.
Because there’s no generally agreed upon etiquette for behavior in digital spaces, most social media activity is spontaneous and reactionary.
When people do think about what they’re posting, they often choose to post idealized versions of their life or one-sided arguments and examples that “prove” they’re “right” about various topics and issues. Sometimes this is because they are trying to convince themselves that everything is okay in their own life. Sometimes they’re trying to convince others to see things a certain way. Regardless of their reasoning, hardly anyone is thinking about the impact their posts will have on you or others. They’re thinking about themselves.
Reminding yourself that people either aren’t thinking about their posts … or are thinking about how it makes them look (not about how it will make you feel) can help you interpret and filter the barrage of messages you see every day.
In a Forbes article, Cara Friedman, Social Media Manager of ClassPass said "I certainly post things that will show off the best version of myself, and I know that when I see others through my feeds, they are likely doing the same. You shouldn't feel less confident or proud in your own accomplishments based on what you see others post. Remember, if you're not sharing your whole self on social media, others likely aren't either."
While most people aren’t thinking strategically about their social media image or posting habits and the impact they have on those who follow them, we can’t ignore the fact that are loads of people looking to make a sale, make a living, or “make it big” with their side business, writing, photography, influence, etc. These folks intentionally present a highly filtered and curated (sometimes even a completely false or fake) social media image. Worse yet, they often do it while claiming to be living “authentically”.
These people strategically “perform” their “life” to convince others to buy products, become fans of their creations, or look to them as sources of wisdom or inspiration. They claim they are “being themselves” and often prove their “realness” by sharing vulnerable, painful, or messy parts of their lives – all while impeccably dressed, beautifully photographed, and poetically expressing their thoughts.
When encountering these types of posts or people, it’s helpful to think about what is going on “behind-the-scenes.”
How did they manage to capture a perfectly lit photo of their effortless, shy smile and casually tousled hair while peeking playfully from behind a rustic door at an abandoned farmhouse? Who is following them around taking moody, black and white photos as they wander pensively through the woods? How long did it take them to set up the camera and find the right angle to record video of that epic deadlift?
What are they leaving out of the well-written, self-reflective stories and thoughts they post? What unflattering facts and experiences are they glossing over, hiding, or avoiding in order to maintain the image and narrative they want to convey?
Most people don’t have a skilled photographer following them around everywhere. Most people don’t record their workouts every day then edit them down to a few key seconds to share on social media. Most people don’t share their innermost thoughts or dispense wisdom and advice via social media on a routine basis.
Sure, we may occasionally spend some time trying to find the perfect angle for a photo, shooting some video of our accomplishments, or sharing a few thoughts on a subject … but we don’t do it all the time—or with the goal of getting people to buy things or follow us.
Deliberate performance is not “real life” for most folks.
Likewise, most people don’t think about a single topic or issue as incessantly as their social media posts may indicate. Unless they have some special expertise or knowledge, there’s no reason to worry about the things they choose to post or take their perspective too seriously.
In the interest of honesty and transparency, all of this applies to me. As “real” as I strive to be, I’m picking and choosing the parts of my life I reveal in digital spaces and in this book. I’m strategic about what I post. I edit my words. I select photos of myself that I find flattering. I struggle with how to share my authentic self when every social media interaction is a conscious and deliberate choice about what I’m putting out there.
Be Self-Aware
In addition to being savvy about the kinds of things people post and the reasons they post them, we can exercise self-care by being aware of how we feel when messages cross our feed, how we are interpreting messages, and how we feel when interacting with others in digital spaces.
When I was going through my divorce, I started to notice that “happy family” photos were really bothering me – especially on holidays. At first, I wanted to dismiss my feelings. I try not to compare myself to others, and I felt I should be happy when seeing happy photos of my friends. I didn’t want to be a person who reacted negatively to the happiness of others. But the fact remained that those photos deeply impacted me.
Fear, sadness, depression, unworthiness, anxiety and insecurity are all feelings people report experiencing when consuming social media posts. Interestingly, many recent studies suggest the impact of social media on our feelings, moods, and perceptions has more to do with how we are already feeling when we consume social media than with the content of the posts we consume. I was already feeling sad about my divorce when consuming “happy family” photos on social media. It makes sense those photos would amplify my feelings of loss and grief.
Research suggests anger is the emotion most powerfully amplified by social media. Unfortunately, people say a lot of outrageous, insensitive, inflammatory, and downright rude things in digital spaces. Without the visual cues a person sends when connecting face to face, many social media users push the boundaries of civility and common decency farther than they ever would when sharing similar thoughts or ideas in person.
Posts about politics, religion, or controversial issues are some of the most rage-inducing content on social media. When people dismiss or attack our views – even without mentioning us directly – it can feel like a personal slight. The urge to respond, defend, and defeat may be strong.
We can take note of the types of content that consistently evokes strong emotions, reactions, or a compulsion to respond.
Not all social media posts create negative emotions, of course. Posts can be uplifting, inspirational, educational, and beautiful as well. Focusing our attention on content that connects us or make us feel seen, heard, understood and loved can help us navigate digital spaces in healthy ways as well.
Aside from our immediate reaction to various kinds of content, we can also be aware of how we interpret the messages we see. As we discussed in Chapter 5: Kindness is Thoughtful, lack of context (and unintended context) in digital spaces often leads to misunderstandings and misinterpretations. Digital communication often lacks the clues necessary to allow us to accurately interpret what others truly mean. When posts are vague or don’t clearly identify the person or issue being talked about it, it’s all too easy to read the post through our own lens – and assume it is directed at us.
If I see a post from a friend complaining about how no one cares about her, I immediately think, “Oh no! She’s talking about me! I’ve failed her!” That’s just the way my brain is wired. When I take a moment to consider my reaction, I realize it’s highly unlikely she’s talking about me. More importantly, if she is, a vague and broadly-worded social media post is not an appropriate way to engage with a friend.
Being aware of our own psychological filters and tendencies when we encounter social media posts can help us reevaluate our instinctive interpretations. Digital media is a mass broadcasting tool. Every post goes to lots and lots of people. Unless we are tagged or named in a post, it is more than reasonable to assume it has nothing to do with us.
If there are multiple ways to interpret a post, we can train ourselves to consider (and accept) positive interpretations instead of negative ones. It’s usually pretty obvious when someone is intentionally being mean or belligerent. If the intent or tone is unclear, we can choose to assume the best and move on with our day.
Finally, we can also become more aware of the way we feel when interacting in digital spaces. Do we feel the need to respond quickly? Do our fingers fly over the keys or jab frantically at the keypad? Does our pulse quicken and our breath get shallow? Do we find ourselves writing, proof-reading, erasing, and rewriting over and over before posting? Are we on the verge of tears? Or smiling and laughing?
If the exchange was happening in-person, how would we be conducting the conversation? Would we be enjoying ourselves? Laughing? Yelling? Agreeing to disagree? Or feeling the need to walk away?
Would we even be having this conversation if we were interacting in person?
Throughout this book I’ve identified and discussed many limitations and drawbacks to digital communication. However, the ability to gauge our feelings and our physiological responses to ideas, personalities, and various forms of content is one tremendous advantage of engaging in digital spaces. We don’t always have time or feel safe enough to evaluate our feelings or reactions when dealing with someone face to face. Online interactions, on the other hand, allow us to take all the time we need to reflect on how we’re feeling, research our responses, and refine our views. We don’t have to respond to something immediately.
Find Your Balance
There’s no “right” way to “do” digital media on a personal level. Being kind to ourselves in digital spaces is all about developing approaches that help us feel positive and healthy in our digital consumption and interaction.
When we become aware of negative or “less than” feelings about our real lives whenever we come across highly curated performative posts – or when we find ourselves experiencing strong negative emotions when consuming certain types of content – some possible strategies include:
Checking in with ourselves about our mood and our feelings before scrolling social media feeds – how we feel before we view posts can impact how those posts make us feel.
Having real life conversations with people whose lives appear perfect on social media channels or who espouse strong, unnuanced views on topics that matter to us. Chances are we’ll discover their real life isn’t as perfect or satisfying as the highlight reel we’re seeing, or we’ll discover their views aren’t quite as rigid as they appear to be, or we’ll gain a better understanding of why they think and post the way they do.
Hiding or unfollowing people whose posts consistently make us feel insecure, unaccomplished, unfulfilled, “less than,” angry, defensive, misunderstood, attacked, or dismissed.
Deciding whether this is a person we need or want to be connected with on social media, and disconnecting from anyone we don’t need or want in our digital landscape
When I was reacting negatively to “happy family” photos, blocking or hiding them wasn’t an option I wanted to explore because they were photos of people I cared about. My approach was to acknowledge my emotional reactions, using them as a springboard for processing some of my grief, anger, and despair at what was going on in my own life.
For the most part, that solution worked for me. One of my friends, on the other hand, chose to block/hide a few people she knew who were posting constantly about wedding preparations at a time when she was feeling particularly dissatisfied with her romantic life. She decided the posts were too constant and the people weren’t important enough to her to continue to consume content that was impacting her sense of self-worth and positivity. That solution worked for her.
I repeat: there’s no right way to do this. You get to take control of how you navigate digital spaces.
Other boundaries you may choose to set include:
Limiting the amount of time you spend on social media. You can do this by setting time limits and/or designating specific times of day when you’ll check in on your social media feeds and times when you won’t. Studies may indicate optimum time limits, but everyone is different. (I spend way more time on social media than many of my friends, but I also work in the field.) Experiment with limits that feel right to you.
Train yourself to wait before responding to social media posts and messages. There’s no reason you must respond right away … and you may think and feel differently after mulling a post over for a while. Something that felt extremely urgent when you first saw it may not matter to you anymore after even a small period of time passes.
Set your own terms of engagement. Decide which conversations you want to have on social media and which ones you’d rather avoid. Make a personal plan for dealing with ugly, hateful, angry posts. Ignore them? Report them? Call them out? When you decide ahead of time which people and topics you want to interact with, and how you want to handle uncivil, discourteous, disrespectful, or even tone-deaf or dismissive content, you’ll be in control of your response instead of subject to the whim of whatever emotions the content creates.
Use filters! Social networks are constantly changing how they deliver content and the options they provide users, so I won’t get too technical here – but pretty much all of them provide ways to customize our experience. Some networks let you filter out posts and comments containing specific words. Some let you block or filter content you’re not interested in seeing. Others let you report or flag content you find offensive.
As you already know, I’m not an advocate for tailoring social media consumption to deliberately create an echo chamber where we only encounter content we already agree with. But digital spaces can undoubtedly be hurtful, toxic, and detrimental to our social and emotional well-being. Being mindful of how we feel when interacting with digital media and developing approaches to caring for ourselves in digital spaces empowers us to embrace kindness to others and create a better digital world for everyone.
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