[TRANSCRIPT]
Grace is a choice we make for ourselves. It’s not a demand we make of others, nor can it be demanded of us.
Hi everyone. Welcome to Digital Hope Talk. I’m Lauren Hug and I thank you for listening and being willing to explore better ways of navigating our digital world together.
This is Episode 12: Digital grace is a choice, not a requirement. Grace in context.
While researching and preparing for Digital Grace (my follow-up to Digital Kindness), I found myself conflicted. Early drafts were written against the backdrop of vicious disagreements on many fronts — health and safety protocols during a pandemic, American history, civil rights, and the electoral process, to name just a few. Disagreements that have persisted and intensified. People remain very much at odds about where we’ve come from, where we are going, and what we should be doing about it. And it’s only going to get worse in a year with high-stakes elections around the globe.
As someone who longs for a more inclusive and equitable world and believes we all have a role to play in building it, I am often torn between practicing digital grace in the hopes of breathing kindness and beauty into frequently ugly digital interactions, or embracing digital advocacy to use my voice and the power of social media in pursuit of social change.
While reading materials about grace and reflecting on how to approach the concept of grace in a digital world, I found myself mentally rebelling against the notion of taking on the burden of making digital spaces pleasant for others.
That’s perhaps a surprising admission from someone who has been advocating for digital kindness for nearly a decade, but I was reacting from my own experiences of being criticized for speaking up in the “wrong” way and being counseled that staying silent was the “morally right” thing to do when dealing with people who abuse power, influence, and position. I’ve also become increasingly aware of how often notions of manners and etiquette and grace are weaponized to silence and dismiss people with legitimate grievances.
Because of this, I found myself drawn towards writing about advocacy in digital spaces instead of digital grace. Everywhere I looked, though, advocacy and grace were intertwined.
The purpose of advocacy is to change things, preferably through increasing understanding and reaching consensus. “The challenge of our time is to mobilize great masses of people to make change without dehumanizing one another,” says Amanda Ripley in High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out.
To create lasting change we have to build and nurture relationships by getting to know each other, talking to each other not at each other, and listening with genuine curiosity and without judgment when others speak. “In practicing activism, we have to be fiercely compassionate,” says Farah Alexander in the closing chapter of Raising the Resistance. “We have to, by default, show others the empathy and compassion they deserve.”
Which brings us back to grace.
But I want to put grace in context.
The question of when and how to extend grace versus when to advocate for accountability and change is a deeply personal one. It depends on context, audience, perspective, history, and many other factors. Even those with similar experiences and goals will answer it differently. When it comes to big issues of deep importance to our existence, being “pleasant” may be the preferred approach of some, but come at too high a cost for others.
“I’m not non-violent,” burst out singer-songwriter and civil rights activist Nina Simone upon first meeting Martin Luther King. According to Olivia Laing’s account of this meeting in Everybody, a stunning look at freedom movements, King hadn’t even had the chance to say hello. “That’s OK, sister,” he replied, accepting her and the way she felt compelled to show up in the fight for equality rather than chastising or attempting to change her approach. Nor does it appear that Simone tried to persuade King to change his.
Grace allows people to show up as they are, with no expectations or demands that they conform to our ways.
“[A]ll of us are impacted differently and unevenly based on our backgrounds, identity, and our state of being,” says Daniel Hunter, a climate campaign trainer and mentor, in How We Win: A Guide to Nonviolent Direct Action Campaigning by George Lakey. When we are impacted in ways that make us feel threatened, practicing grace by showing genuine compassion and empathy may be impossible. As Ripley explains in High Conflict, “curiosity requires some baseline level of security.”
There are times when ungraceful behavior and communication is a vital means to being seen and heard. With each online interaction, digital grace considers whether this is one of those times or whether it is more important for us to make others feel included and welcomed.
Is this a topic where we are underrepresented and historically silenced, or is it one where we have the upper hand or occupy a position of power?
Is this a topic which dramatically impacts us in direct ways, or one that has little to no tangible impact on how we live everyday?
Is this a topic which carries a risk for us if we speak out, or is it one we feel relatively safe and secure sharing our thoughts about?
“Grace is about the ease that comes from self-control,” says Sarah L. Kaufman in The Art of Grace. Mastering our own reactions and needs, she says, frees us “to foster smooth interactions and a pleasant atmosphere” by focusing on the reactions and needs of others.
When we have the upper hand, are minimally impacted, and feel safe speaking out, it’s likely a time for us to control our own reactions and needs and extend grace to those who are not in similar positions.
Digital grace doesn’t mean never speaking up or never saying or doing things that make some people uncomfortable. Purposeful use of social media for advocacy is a vital part of bringing about change. It’s just a matter of determining when we choose to extend courtesy, kindness, and leniency and when we choose to call people to account.
“[W]e can always choose to show courage, respect, and love, even if they won’t (or can’t) show it in return,” says Melody Stanford Martin in Brave Talk: Building Resilient Relationships in the Face of Conflict, “because that’s the world we want to create.”
But it’s a choice we make for ourselves, not an expectation we impose on others.
[AUDIO] Digital Grace is a Choice, Not a Requirement