Social media spats are all too familiar these days.
This post was inspired by one prominent spat and at least two more garnered attention while I was writing it. So rather than focus on the spat-du-jour (and create instantly outdated content), let’s look at the well-known pattern …
“First, there is a celebrity faux pas,” says Sarah L. Kaufman, describing the cycle of digital outrage in The Art of Grace: On Moving Well Through Life, “then the offended take to Twitter, the defenders counterattack, the bloggers repost, a Facebook fight erupts, and after all the time invested in following this trail – trust me, even your respected local newspaper is following this trail — why, there’s a new dumb thing to get mad about.”
We all know this pattern. It’s exhausting … and numbing.
Sometimes, though, the outrage and controversy are followed by a social media apology, genuine dialogue, and increased understanding — not only between the parties, but also among their followers and even the silently observing public. The apology, when it happens, is a positive outcome of the otherwise miserable outrage cycle, demonstrating the capacity to change and grow as we encounter people with perspectives different from our own.
Social media apologies cut against outdated notions that "saying sorry” is a sign of weakness, or that people shouldn’t apologize for unintended impacts. They prioritize relationships over “being right,” recognizing that we live in community and our words and actions influence and affect others. Apologies provide an alternative to a “[n]ever sorry, always sure” way of thinking that, according to psychiatrist George Makari in Of Fear and Strangers: A History of Xenophobia, divides the world into “the all-good-us and the all-bad-them.”
Apologies also decrease the potential for ongoing conflict by signaling that the parties are united in the intention to move forward together, rather than cataloguing the incident as a grievance to be remembered forever. “Counting up the other side’s wrongs is a hobby that can last a lifetime,” says journalist Amanda Ripley in her excellent book High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out. An apology disrupts that count, interjecting a new dynamic into the feud: the possibility of finding common ground now that feelings and experiences are being listened to and honored.
In the exceptional, Academy Award nominated film Everything Everywhere All At Once, an apology opens the door to a hopeful way forward for two people whose relationship had long been tenuous, creating positive ripple effects in the relationships around them. The apology doesn’t magically fix everything, as beautifully explained in this Vox essay by Emily St. James, but it provides a break in the cycle of conflict and a starting point for a new path.
As a child, I remember being told apologies didn’t count unless they were sincere. I had to really mean them. This created quite the dilemma for me in times when I was certain I was right and had nothing to apologize for, but also wanted to get out of trouble. I felt like my only choices were lying (offering an insincere apology) or enduring punishment forever.
But looking at apologies this way frames them as confessions of right versus wrong rather than relationship-restoring actions. Sometimes, of course, apologies are about right versus wrong, but with social media controversies, they’re often a matter of acknowledging a new understanding about how a post impacted people the creator never even thought about.
Social media apologies are about listening to the feelings and experiences of others, learning from them, and showing that we care about how our conduct impacts them. We can strongly believe we’ve done nothing wrong, and still apologize for the fact that our words or actions hurt another and pledge to do better in the future. We don’t have to lie and say we’re sorry for something we aren’t, but we do have to care that our conduct adversely impacted someone whether we intended that consequence or not. There’s strength and dignity in moving past a sense of being blindsided or attacked to consider the other person’s perspective and sincerely say I didn’t know, I didn’t understand. Now that I do, and I’ll do better.
Lizzo, a singer, rapper, and flutist, gave a masterclass in this type of apology last summer when social networks blew up with questions and hurt regarding a derogatory word in her new song. She quickly responded, making it clear she wasn’t aware of the derogatory nature of the word and had no intent to harm. She did more, though, acknowledging that even though she intended no harm, the lyric was, in fact, harmful, so she released a new version removing it. She could have defended herself and stood by the song as it was, but instead she listened and took deliberate action to heal the unintended hurt her lyric had caused.
Apologies in digital spaces move us forward. They show us things we need to be thinking about and provide us with considerations for how we behave online. They give us a positive way of addressing the inevitable missteps we all make in this ever-evolving, global dialogue.
I worry about saying the wrong thing all the time. I worry about using the wrong words or not thoroughly understanding how my posts can impact others. Apology is the antidote to that fear. I remind myself that I'm willing to acknowledge when I make mistakes. I’m willing to say, I got it wrong this time. I didn't mean to, but I did, and getting it wrong had an impact. I apologize for that. I thank you for pointing it out to me because I want to do better, and I will try to do so.
Apologies present an opportunity to learn and create conditions conducive to building a world where everyone is heard and valued, and where we proactively demonstrate the positive intent necessary to develop trust.
MISCELLANEA
The print version of Digital Grace is 41% off at Amazon today.
Have you had the chance to listen to the first two episodes of the audio version of Digital Hope (Digital Hope Talk) yet? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Happy Valentine’s Day! I’m honored to share this space with you all! Here’s a beautiful post from a “new-to-me” voice I’ve learned so much by following in digital spaces …