I sometimes wonder if harnessing the power of social media for productive dialogue is an impossible dream. It seems like most people believe social media can never be anything better than endless grandstanding, bickering, “othering,” and dissemination of mis/disinformation.
Experts across multiple fields say social media is bad for us in a variety of ways, including the rarity of nuanced and complex discussions online. I often receive comments on my posts articulating appreciation for my efforts at encouraging and facilitating hard conversations online, but, nevertheless, expressing concern about the futility of the undertaking.
CONFESSION: there are times even I doubt that positive, healthy dialogue in digital spaces is actually possible.
When an in person conversation with someone in my innermost circle proves challenging to navigate, I wonder if it’s reasonable to believe in the possibility of productive discussions with more distant connections online.
Understanding another person—and being understood—is hard to do. There are so many things that can get in the way of truly hearing each other: different communication styles, word choice, emotional state, personal experience, and context to name just a few.
As journalist Amanda Ripley says in her excellent book High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out (free for download through July 31, 2022):
Most of us do not feel heard much of the time. That’s because most people don’t know how to listen. We jump to conclusions. We think we understand when we don’t. We tee up our next point, before the other person has finished talking…. And there are real consequences to our bad listening, the kind you can measure. When people don’t feel heard, they get slightly anxious and defensive. They say less, and whatever they do say tends to be oversimplified. The walls go up.
That’s certainly my reaction to not being heard. There was a period in my life when I almost completely stopped talking about anything even remotely controversial — including topics that were deeply important to me — out of fear of being misunderstood. To this day, I hold my tongue more often than I speak up due to that persistent fear.
When I choose to speak, I strive to follow best practices for courageous dialogue. But I inevitably fail, often leaving hard conversations feeling raw and inept at communication.
If a person who knows me well and has the added context of seeing my facial expressions, hearing my tone, and asking for clarification woefully misunderstands me, what hope is there of being understood in social media spaces?
Do you share my concern?
And it’s not just the fear of being misunderstood that worries me. I also fear being attacked. According to UK journalist Nesrine Malik in We Need New Stories: The Myths that Subvert Freedom:
A 2017 Pew survey revealed that a “wide cross section” of Americans experience online abuse, but that the majority of it was directed toward minorities, with a quarter of black Americans saying they have been attacked online due to race or ethnicity. Ten percent of Hispanics and 3 percent of whites reported the same. Abuse of women on Twitter was at the epicenter of this new storm of online violence. Hostility toward women online is so intense that it has amounted to a human rights crisis, according to Amnesty International.
Despite my overall optimism about digital interactions introducing us to new perspectives and illuminating better ways forward together, I’m well aware that it’s ugly out there in digital spaces. The legitimate desire to avoid being misunderstood, misinterpreted, and attacked — the dread of getting caught up in an argument rather than genuine discussion — prevents many people from sharing their lived experiences or other thought-provoking content online.
So, what can we do to support vulnerable, thoughtful, and conversation-inviting content in the midst of meanness?
Validate. It takes courage to share posts about personal experiences. Liking, or, better yet, leaving a positive comment on the post lets people know their content is appreciated. It has the added benefit of increasing the likelihood that other comments will stay in positive territory.
Amplify. When someone invests the time in creating thoughtful content that moves us, sharing that content with our own networks ensures more people will see it and interact with it. Our digital connections may never seek out content on certain topics on their own initiative, but our shares of quality content can expose them to new ideas and perspectives. Additionally, our sharing of thought-provoking posts by others can spark discussions our network may not feel as comfortable having when we share experiences of our own.
Discuss. Engaging with content and interacting in positive ways with other commenters helps model the kinds of discourse we’d like to see. To keep the conversation going, we can contribute experiences from our own lives, add insightful comments, or ask questions. We can also “disagree well,” courteously sharing the reasons we have a different perspective from the original post.
Invite. When we encounter content that would resonate with specific people in our network, tagging them within a comment or while asking question gives them a direct entry point. People are more likely to participate in a conversation when they’re invited to do so. Explaining why we’ve tagged them and including relevant credentials establishes their subject matter expertise, priming others to be more open to their contributions.
Moderate. To make digital conversations more hospitable to thoughtful discourse, we can adopt a moderator/facilitator mindset for posts containing content we appreciate. Whether it’s our post or someone else’s, digital dialogue is more welcoming and safe when we politely denounce negative comments, validate positive contributions, provide clarification, play mediator to help people better understand each other, and highlight best practices for productive dialogue.
The existing social media platforms don’t easily lend themselves to collaborative, inclusive conversation. But being intentional about facilitating digital dialogue can bring higher quality content to the attention of more people. Eye-opening, perspective-shifting discussions are worth the effort.
NEW BOOK from Lauren M. Hug — Digital Grace: Embracing Benevolence in an Outraged World.
Also, Digital Kindness: Being Human in a Hyper-Connected World.