All-Star Tips for Kindness & Grace Online
We are what we post
Last Saturday, I was the keynote speaker at the Tri-Lakes Chamber of Commerce Annual Awards Dinner. The event was sports-themed, so I delivered three All-Star Tips for being kind and graceful online. Here’s some of what I said …
Getting angry about social media stuff is totally normal. Studies have shown that most of the mean online behavior doesn’t come from perpetual trolls. It comes from normal people who see online ugliness and react to it. We can all become trolls under the right conditions. And the platforms are designed to create those conditions.
Algorithms maximize engagement. The thing that engages people most is anger.
So how do we avoid the outrage trap and practice kindness and grace in digital spaces? I cover that question in detail in my books — shameless self plug — but tonight I’m going to give you three easy all-star tips to get you started.
BENCH YOURSELF
I was a fast-pitch softball player when I was younger. A pitcher, actually. And I was serious about the sport, pitching at least 100 pitches every day — almost without fail — for over 5 years. My dedication paid off. I was the best pitcher in the league and eventually became one of the best in the state.
But at the age of 12, I wasn’t a good team leader. I had an anger management problem. When my team didn’t play at the level I expected, I’d get angry. I’d scream at my teammates from the pitching mound. One time, I got so mad about my team not hitting well that I pitched a ball at the thigh of the opposing pitcher while she was at bat. To the people in the stands it looked like a wild pitch. Batters get hit by pitches all the time. But my dad, who was my coach, knew better.
He immediately benched me. The parents from our team were confused. Why would he bench the pitcher — his own daughter — in the midst of a tight game?
My dad wasn’t coaching just for strikeouts and wins, though. He was coaching for character: teamwork, sportsmanship, leadership. He knew my behavior was toxic to my teammates, potentially dangerous to other players, and having a negative impact on everyone in the ballpark.
Any time I would start to scream from the mound he would bench me. I could be in the middle of pitching a no-hitter and he would bench me.
I wanted to pitch, so it didn’t take too many benchings before I changed my external behavior. As I saw how my teammates flourished in the absence of my negativity, my attitude changed as well. I became the poster girl for positivity on the pitching mound, encouraging my teammates instead of criticizing them.
I can tell you for a fact, if my dad hadn’t benched me, I’d never have written Digital Kindness or Digital Grace. That lesson changed me. I learned at an early age how my negative behavior impacted others.
So, the first tip for tonight is BENCH YOURSELF. When you feel that outrage or frustration — when you see a completely unfair review of your business or totally wrong statement regarding something you care about — bench yourself. Take a time out. Take a walk. Get away from the devices and the keyboard for a while.
Come back when you’ve cleared your head and are ready to be a team player. Come back when you’re ready to consider how your posts might impact others.
CHALLENGE WITH CLASS
After you’ve benched yourself, you may find you don’t feel the need to respond to the thing that outraged you after all. When it comes to unfair reviews, for example, you may find your fans already stepped in to defend you. And their words are worth so much more than you own.
Or you may realize it’s too hard to respond yourself because, when you pour your heart and soul into your business, an unfair review cuts really deep. You may need to seek some outside perspective on how to respond in kindness.
If you still feel strongly about posting something, the second tip is to CHALLENGE WITH CLASS.
At sporting events, what happens when a player or coach gets in the face of an ump or a ref? They get ejected from the game. It doesn’t matter how valid their challenge is. If it’s not presented in an appropriate way, they’re thrown out.
The same is true in digital spaces. It doesn’t matter how valid our points are, if we don’t make them respectfully, they won’t be heard.
When we disagree with someone in a digital space, disagree well. This takes a lot more words and context than disagreeing well in person. Online, we don’t have facial expressions, inflection, and body language to convey that the conversation is being conducted in good faith. But making an extra effort to communicate gooodwill helps diffuse outrage and preserve relationships. It’s worth it to challenge with class.
SHOW YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR HEAT
Which brings us to our last tip of the night. SHOW YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR HEAT. Outrageous content brings out our competitive instincts instead of our collaborative ones. For a pitcher, dominating and intimidating a batter by bringing the heat is a smart move. It helps us win.
But online interactions aren’t competitions. They’re relationship builders. Or, sadly and all too often, relationship destroyers.
There’s no winning in relationships. There’s no winning in friendship or parenting or partnership or community. Relationships require ongoing nurturing, learning, cooperation, and grace all around.
Everything we post in digital spaces informs our relationship with anyone who sees it. So a point-by-point refutation of a college roommate’s ex-boyfriend doesn’t just impact our relationship with him, it impacts our relationship with everyone other person who sees our exchanges.
Researchers estimate that every action on Facebook can be seen by up to 40,000 people. Do we really want 40,000 people seeing our heat? Or are heated discussions better relegated to offline spaces that lend themselves to more gentleness and nuance?
Bringing the heat in digital spaces only leads to more outrage and hurt. But showing your heart – the things you love, the things that bring you joy, the things that inspire you – builds positive and supportive relationships.
CONCLUSION
In business we spend a lot of time thinking about (and spending money on) our logos, websites, vehicles, and offices. We think about what image they convey. How they make people feel about us, our brand, and our business.
Social media posts can undo all of that intention and effort. Think about what your digital behavior is currently telling people about you. Is it accurately conveying all your values, your passion, your purpose – and your commitment to service, excellence, and community? Or is it showing people a very small and misrepresentative fragment of whole and wonderful human?
As every athlete knows: You are what you eat. In digital spaces: You are what you post. So post kindly, graciously, and respectfully.
GET DIGITAL KINDNESS (E-BOOK) FOR .99!
My birthday is tomorrow, so to celebrate it, e-versions of Digital Kindness: Being Human in a Hyperconnected World will be just .99 on April 8 and April 9!
AND DON’T FORGET! Digital Grace: Pouring Benevolence into and Outraged World NOW AVAILABLE IN PRINT AND E-BOOK!
Truth and wisdom -- well written!
Love this! Thanks for sharing your wisdom Lauren 💙 And Happy Birthday 🎂 🥳